


Twue Wuv

by Indehed



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Bad Fic, Episode Fix-it: s05e21 Meridian, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-22
Updated: 2006-03-22
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:13:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indehed/pseuds/Indehed
Summary: Sam and Jonas realise their destiny lies together, but what will Janet have to say about that???





	Twue Wuv

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: uhm... there is no good taste here. Back away slowly, really you should. There is one rather disturbing sex scene complete with bad mental imagery, and some mindless violence. Oh yeah, and someone dies.   


* * *

Daniel had gone. Left. Poof. Turned into a big floaty light and soared off into the cosmos. Now what? 

She missed him. She **really** missed him. It wasn't fair. He was part of SG-1 and should be here, still, with them. Fighting the Goa'uld together. What could he really do as a light anyway?? 

Oh look, I'm a light and I can float, ooh it's such **fun**. 

Sam sat down in the chair beside the reactor she was working on. She didn't feel like working on it today. It's not like she was getting anywhere with it, which was so strange as she was normally so **good** at this stuff. She'd saved the Earth how many times now? And she couldn't get the reactor to work properly! Damn thing! 

She threw the pencil she had been holding across the room with such force that it shattered against the wall on the other side. 

That was just the moment that Janet decided to enter the room. The pencil had narrowly missed her ear by inches. 

"Watch out, Sam! You nearly had my eye out with that thing!" 

"Sorry, Janet. I'm a little upset right now. I can't get the reactor to work." 

"Did you turn it on?" 

"Yes, of course I... oh, wait... forgot to plug it in..." 

Sam bashfully got down on her knees to put the plug in the socket. As she did the reactor powered up and began making the usual noises that a reactor makes when you plug it in. As she stood back up she noticed the way that Janet's eyes seemed to be a bit glazed over. She automatically put it down to Janet missing Daniel as well. Little did she know that Janet had just been staring at Sam's ass. 

"Thanks Jan! What would I do without you?!" 

"Die a painful death?" 

"True, but that can still happen when you're here though.." Sam immediately regretted her words. Daniel's leaving had affected Janet terribly too. She was a doctor yet she'd been powerless to help Daniel when he needed it. But Janet ignored the comment and got on to why she had come by in the first place. 

"What do you think of Jonas, Sam?" 

"What do you mean, Jan?" 

Janet sat down opposite Sam, all business-like wanting an answer from Sam about her opinions on the latest male to have some interaction with SG-1. 

"As a person. What do you think of him? Good? Bad? ... Nice looking?" Janet hedged. Of course there was a particular answer she was looking for. Hopefully Sam wouldn't notice her attempts to get said answer. 

"Well, honestly, I'm just not sure. I haven't spent much time with him yet..." 

"Do you plan to?" Janet interrupted. 

"Uhm... I don't know. Why are you so interested anyway?" 

"Oh, no reason. I was just..." At that point, rather fortuitously for Janet, the reactor 'pinged'. Obviously Sam's popcorn was ready. She reached inside the reactor and pulled out the bag. Opening it up and smelling the sweet popcorn-y smell she took a deep breath and sighed "Perfect..." 

She looked up, but Janet had gone. She was going to offer the doctor some popcorn. Oh well, all the more for her then.

* * *

Jack was just putting on some of the padding when Jonas arrived in the gym. Jack wanted to teach Jonas how to box! He'd once tried teaching Teal'c and that had fallen on its ass. Or rather, **he'd** fallen on his ass, but not today bucko! Besides, this would relieve some of his tension. 

No need to imagine Jonas' face on the punch-bag. Jonas **was** the punch-bag. 

"Hey Jo! How's it going?!" All sweetness and light. Keeping calm and cool and friendly. He could do this. 'Little schmuck' He murmured to himself. 

Jack directed Jonas on how to put on the relevant padding but neglected to let Jonas wear a helmet. Jack had chosen not to wear a helmet either. God knows he didn't need one. He'd only put the other padding on as a precaution against 'lucky' hits. And to protect his knees. 

He told Jonas the rules - fast. They just fell off his tongue. Then Jonas just looked at him with a vague look in his eyes and that smile that never seemed to be wiped off his face. Well, Jack was going to do something about that. 

"You got everything there?" 

"I'm not sure, Colonel." Colonel. Jack liked that. NO way was this fu... guy calling him 'Jack'. Or 'O'Neill'. Only his friends called him that and Jonas was not a friend. Maybe he should be calling this guy 'Quinn'. Or better 'traitor', 'coward' or 'liar'. But then, he would lose all he'd worked to gain here - Jonas' trust. No, I won't hurt you even though you let my Daniel get hurt in the name of **your** people while you stood by and miraculously didn't get any radiation poisoning AT ALL. 

Lose the hostile behaviour, O'Neill. Save it for later. Save it for the boxing ring... oh right. They were basically in the boxing ring now. Cool...

* * *

Janet was in the Infirmary. Well, where else would she be? She was the CMO after all. 

Jonas came stumbling in clutching a bleeding nose and wiping the blood from a cut above his eye. She had the urge to keep him waiting for a while. But the desire to heal people, even if they have a boring personality, or no personality at all, had to over-ride her revulsion for Jonas Quinn. She guided him over to the farthest away bed and sat him down none to gently while getting out the antiseptic and snapping on some gloves. 

"What happened?" She asked the frightened man. 

"Colonel O'Neill was teaching me boxing. I fell on his fist. Twice. And his knee as the pain in my ribs attests to." 

Janet briefly wondered how the hell Jack could get his knees up so high. The first explanation she could come up was one word: Daniel. Hmm. Deciding to leave that thought alone (and maybe come back to it later) she lifted Jonas' t-shirt to see the ugly bruise forming over his ribcage. Nothing seriously wrong. Just bruising. The nose wasn't broken either. Had Colonel O'Neill lost his touch? 

"You'll be fine in a day or two." 'Unfortunately'. She bandaged him up and cleaned off the blood and sent him on his way. Next time the Colonel should try harder.

* * *

Jonas was sitting in the commissary when Sam came in to get some blue Jell-o. It was her favourite. Always had been. 

Her conversation with Janet was still fresh on her mind. She didn't know this man and that was a shame. He was alone on this planet with no real hope of ever going home. He was an asylum seeker really and looking at him now he seemed so lonely... and ruggedly handsome. She'd never really noticed before. But she hadn't spent any time with him before. And the Colonel had given her the impression that he wasn't very nice but she had refused to judge him before she talked with him. Even if he had practically doomed her best friend. 

She grabbed the jell-o and a spoon and went over to the table he was sitting at. 

"Uhm... is this seat free?" She asked. Almost shyly. Was she suddenly turning into a girly-girl? Something she'd fought so hard to avoid over the past few years except for the odd, disastrous googoo eyes moments at her commanding officer. Luckily for her, Hammond had taken it all rather well. He had taken her aside one day and explained that he had pretty woman falling at his feet all the time. It was understandable that she had an attraction to him. It was the power he wielded, that was all. 

She had agreed with him and let it go. Hammond was a great man. She sighed wistfully, then realised where she was and sat down opposite Jonas. She took in the swelling on his face and exclaimed, "What happened to you?!" 

"I was boxing with Colonel O'Neill. It did not go well." 

"I can see. I hope he apologised." Sam snorted. 

"He did not. I do not think he likes me very much." Jonas said, staring blankly at Sam. He didn't sound upset by the statement. Most people would be upset or even scared if Jack O'Neill didn't like them. But not Jonas Quinn. No. He sat as he always sat: with a stupid grin on his face. 

Yet that grin.. Sam knew it was a stupid grin. And she knew that the man in front of her was a traitor to his own people, a coward who let her best friend take the fall for his scientists' mistakes and was a liar but.. The slicked back hair with too much Nancy-boy hair gel... that stupid vapid stare and grin. 

She was unusually attracted to this man. 

Jonas turned his head to the side, showing Sam his profile. He stared off into the distance as if trying to calculate something impossible, and then he looked back at Sam. He smiled wider than he'd ever smiled before and his teeth 'tinged' as the sunlight glinted off them (20 odd levels beneath the surface of the Earth? Theoretically it is possible...) 

She felt herself magically transported to the top of a hill. Spinning around with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face... She was singing she knew that. Something about hills being alive and she just spun and looked down the cliff to see Jonas standing there. 

Her pupils dilated and her heart skipped an all-important beat. 

It was too late. 

She stared lovingly with her best googoo eyes straight at Jonas. 

It was no good. She had fallen. Hard. 

It was... TWUE WUV!

* * *

Daniel looked down from the heavens where he was floating around with Oma, Orlin and Shifu. They played floating-tag. They played pin the tail on the cloud (very difficult as the pin kept falling and hitting this one guy in the head. But it was okay as he went on to become an actor who starred in a film called 'Hellraiser' even though 'Hellraiser' was filmed years before Daniel ascended.) 

They were having fun on the slides and swings and Daniel had almost managed to stop missing his friends. He did miss them. SO much. 

"Oma?" 

"Yes?" Oma replied haughtily. She was very busy playing 'duck the aeroplane' with Shifu to pay attention to a depressed Daniel who, if he wasn't careful, was going to turn grey and start losing water soon enough. 

"Why did I not just descend again after ascending? Because I see no reason why I would really want to go with you when I could stay with Jack and my friends and have loads of fun with them." 

"Because you have self-esteem problems and are paying me 50 bucks an hour to cure you. Now shut up and come play with us." 

"Okay."

* * *

Janet walked into the commissary with impeccable timing. She saw the big pink heart beginning to form over the heads of Sam and Jonas. 

She scowled at them both behind they're backs. Why did Sam always do this? It wasn't right. It was kinda gross, really. Jonas wasn't good enough for Sammy, that was sure. Sam needed someone sophisticated, reliable, a good mother to her children and... uh... smallish, brunette, and a minx in the sack. 

This was getting insane. How many times did she have to get rid of people? First Jonas (whoo-ee, creepy or what? Sam's old fiancé had the same name as this creep and they were both from different planets! Amazing how that happens.) Then there was Narim, Martouf... Joe. She'd done it well though. No one suspected a thing. So how to get rid of this creep? 

Janet stormed straight back out the commissary and headed straight to her office. From the opposite direction walked past a steaming Jack O'Neill. He was walking very fast and looked like he had been crying but it was hard to tell because he walked straight past her and slammed the door of his office shut. 

He must be taking Daniel's leaving much harder than everyone else. Oh well. 

She mirrored Jack's movements and slammed her door shut too. Her nurses knew better than to knock on her door when she was in a mood. Come rain, come sleet, come mutilated body she wasn't moving out of here until she was ready. 

Reaching into her desk drawer she lifted out a kit and book that read 'Voodoo for the modern woman'. Little did any know, but Janet had done a lot more growing up in the south than anyone knew. She'd been a wild child and joined a cult with this great leader called 'Seth' who taught her voodoo. 

And she was going to use it wisely. 

She let out an evil cackle as she began to make a new doll. It had greasy, slicked back hair and a stupid grin plastered on its face...

* * *

Sam came stumbling out of the VIP suite all rumpled with the jacket of her BDUs hanging off her shoulder. She'd just had the most unbelievable time of her life with a man she'd only met just a few days ago. 

But that didn't matter. This was Twue Wuv, you didn't need to be a genius to work that out, and she **was** a genius!

* * *

Jack stopped by the infirmary. He'd had a strange dream last night where he put the kettle on and when it started boiling and the steam rose out of the spout, the steam turned into Daniel who said it would all be okay so long as Jack remembered to clean out the chicken coup. He didn't have a chicken coup? 

He'd put the dream down to that slice of cheese he'd had last night. But he was beginning to worry that he might be going insane. Possibly due to Gate travel. 

Janet prescribed some aspirin and told him to drink lots of fluids and disappeared into her office, despite Lt. Davis' screams of pain from one of the beds in the middle of the room. 

Jack was curious as to what could pull Janet away from her duties as CMO. He frowned and tried to peek through the door that Fraiser had left ajar, but it was no use. Instead, he pushed the door open and Janet yelped in surprise, dropping a pin on her foot, but it ricocheted off her stilettos and bounced onto the floor and Jack's feet. 

Jack leant down and picked up the pin and looked Janet straight in the eyes. 

"What are you up to, Dr. Fraiser?" He asked, voice full of suspicion. 

"Nothing." Janet answered while trying to stuff a voodoo doll down the front of her pants. 

"Stand up." 

"No." 

"Stand UP!" 

"Why?" 

"Because you just stuffed a voodoo doll of Jonas down your pants and I wanna see it and help you in whatever it is you are doing." 

"Wow. Okay." Janet stood up and pulled the doll out and handed it to the Colonel. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you know what I was doing, sir?" 

"Lucky guess."

* * *

The door to Dr. Fraiser's office had been closed all day with Janet and Jack locked inside. The nurses who had occasionally approached the door to listen to what was going on inside had been disturbed by the sound of their CMO and the 2IC of the whole facility giggling like naughty children. What was going on in there? 

Inside the room, Jack and Janet were sitting on the floor behind Janet's desk. They had the doll of Jonas laid out on the floor between them and they were taking turns to stick pins in him. 

This never got old. 

Janet explained to Jack that it was her who had 'disposed' of all Sam's other lovers. Jack had thought it was quite the coincidence that anyone Sam dated seemed to wind up having a horrible and painful death. Now he knew the truth. 

She also told him that she knew about the nature of Jack's relationship with Daniel. And that she hoped to one day have that kind of relationship with Sam and they could raise Cassie together and have a house with a white picket fence. 

Jack said he already had a white picket fence. 

Janet scowled at his smug look. She then told him that just because he had been extremely happy and experiencing Twue Wuv while Daniel was here, Daniel wasn't here anymore, so he could just join her in a terminal state of depression. 

At the reminder that Daniel was gone, Jack began to cry.

* * *

Sam had managed to stay away from Jonas for about an hour to go and try to do some work. But she hadn't been able to concentrate on anything but the thought of being with her big hunk o' burnin' love again. Riding him like she would a Harley. 

She snuck back into the VIP suite to find Jonas sitting at the table with the salt-shaker and licking salt of his fists. Maybe this was just some sort of weird custom his people had. They all had to lick salt off their hands at an appointed time of day or a badger would come along and gobble them up for breakfast. 

"What are you doing?" She asked, moving towards her beloved and sitting down on his lap. 

"It is very strange. I believe I must have a salt deficiency as I keep experiencing strange sensations throughout my body." 

"I could make you experience some really wild sensations." Sam purred into Jonas ear, taking her time to lick around the lobe while running her hand through his hair. 

She leant back as Jonas answered, "That would be very nice, Samantha. The sensations of Pins and needles would be easily ignored so long as you are here with me." 

"Oh, Jonas, you say the nicest things." 

At that, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, their tongues duelling for domination, Sam's winning as she wasn't a big wuss like Jonas was. 

They fell to the floor, entwined in each other's arms. Clothes were lost along the way and their bodies rocked together in perfect harmony, as if this was meant to be, Jonas pounding into Sam with all his might while she screamed for 'more!' 'HARDER YOU LOVEMACHINE!' 

Jonas came, spurting his seed inside Samantha's open and willing body. This was bliss, sheer perfect happiness for both of them and they wanted to stay like this forever.

* * *

Daniel was beginning to get bored. He'd tossed the beach balls across the heavens... He'd tried to make the clouds into funny shapes to confuse the people down on the ground but it was all wearing thin now. 

"Oma?" He called over to the floaty light making a phallic shaped cloud. 

"Yes? I'm kind of busy right now. Is this important, Daniel?" 

"Yes. Uhm... when are we going to go out and try to save the universe and stuff?" 

"What makes you think we'd want to save the universe?" 

"Uhm, because, that's what you **do**!" 

"Nuh-uh! We have fun! It's great. The best game is if you go down to an old castle in Europe or something and scare the crap out of the tourists! Wanna go try?!" 

"No thanks, Oma. Look. It's been a real hoot and all, but I really miss making wild monkey love with Jack. I think I'm just gonna go on home now." 

"Fine. Suit yourself. See you next time you die." 

"Yup. It's a date." 

With that, Daniel started the slow float down towards Cheyenne Mountain and towards his own hunk o' burnin' love.

* * *

Another coincidence befell Janet as she walked past the VIP suite that was occupied by Jonas. Just as she past the door she heard a cry of "HARDER YOU LOVEMACHINE!" 

Jack came running along the corridor and catching up with Janet he took a gulp of air and took a second to compose himself. 

"Janet! You won't believe what I saw on the security camera footage!" 

"I can imagine. I think it's time for step 3." 

"Already?" 

"I can't wait any longer. It has to be done now!" 

"Okay, the equipment is in my office. Can you wait two minutes while I go get it?" 

"I'll try to hold on, Colonel. But please," Janet held on to Jack's sleeve as if the world depended on it, "Hurry!" 

Jack ran along the corridor, into the elevator, along to his office, grabbed the object, ran back to the elevator, then out and back along to the VIP suite. Again he had to take a second or two to catch his breath. The bloody thing was heavy. 

He handed it to Janet who fired it up with a roar. 

"On the count of three." Jack began. "One. Two. THREE." 

As soon as he'd said 'three' the two officers kicked down the door with a primal scream. 

As the door was kicked open, Sam screamed and jumped off Jonas, remembering in a split second to take the sheet with her (where did the sheet come from? Oh, it was in the closet. Along with Sam... sorry, bad joke...) 

Unfortunately for Jonas, he had nothing to cover himself with. 

"Oh my. So that's why you've been sleeping with this coward?" Jack asked incredulously. 

"Yes. You got a problem with that, sir?" 

"No. No problem. You kinda did us a favour anyway." 

"How?" Sam asked her CO, completely confused." 

"Never mind." A seething Janet put in. "Please move though, Sam. I have some surgery to perform." She revved up the contraption again, making everyone in the room jump with shock. 

"What is that thing?" Jonas asked, completely calm, smiling inanely. 

"It's a CHAINSAW!!!" Sam exclaimed with three exclamation points! But yet, Jonas did not let his smile falter. 

"Let me show you how it works." Janet snarled and launched her attack on the naked 'man' lying on the floor. 

Jack had to turn his head away as the torrent of body parts became too much even for him to watch. And Sam just stood there watching, shocked. That was when a stray hand hit her in the face and she was forced to turn her head away as well as Janet completed the surgery. 

Jack took Sam outside the room while Janet finished up inside. 

"It's okay, Carter. You'll be fine." He rubbed Sam's back in a sympathetic way. Sam looked up, all wide eyed and googoo and tried once again to make a connection with her CO. Jack just rolled his eyes and sighed, turning his thoughts briefly to his missing lover. 

Janet came out of the suite, taking off her gloves and snapping them. She rubbed her head and looked up to meet Sam's waiting eyes. 

"How is he?" 

"Not good, I'm afraid. I'm sorry, Sam. He didn't make it." Normally, this would be a time for Sam to show emotion. To cry for her lost love, but no. That would waste precious time. Instead she looked at Janet with googoo eyes. 

She walked over to Janet, who stared back with equal googoo eyes. 

"Janet. I know you tried your best in there." 

"Thank you, Sam." 

"You're amazing, Janet. So... masterful. It's strangely arousing. But this cannot be! You're my best friend! We can't! It's against regs!" 

"Oh please, Carter" Jack interrupted with a wave of his hand. "There's always a way around the regs. Or just do what I do. Hide." 

"What you do? Sir?" She took a second to process what her CO was saying to her. "Oh! With Daniel! Well, that makes sense." 

Again, Sam Carter didn't show any emotion or surprise. There was no time. They had to move on to the next scene. Instead, she cried out, "Janet!" and fell into her new beloved's arms.

* * *

Jack, Sam and Janet were all sitting in the commissary. They were the only ones there at this time of day, which was surprising, but nice and convenient. 

Sam put her arm around Janet's shoulders. 

"What did General Hammond say? About, what was his name? Judas?" Sam asked taking a spoonful of blue jell-o and putting it in Janet's mouth. 

"Oh him? He said 'Well done, Doctor.'" 

"That was nice of him." 

"Yes, I thought so." 

"Isn't this nice." Jack put in. "You two together like that. Makes me miss..." He trailed off the sentence. He didn't want to say the name. It was too hard for him to do so. 

Just then, a cloud appeared above their heads. It was white, and floaty-like and quite bright for a cloud. A few seconds later, there was a bright light that filled the room. When everyone's eyes had adjusted back, there stood Daniel. 

He was here. He was back! 

"Daniel!" Jack cried as he launched himself up and out of his seat. He threw himself at his lover and they fell backwards onto the floor. 

"Hey Jack! I'm back!" 

That was as much as he could get out as Jack enthusiastically stuck his tongue down Daniel's throat, stopping him from saying anything else. 

The scene fades on Jack and Daniel happily reunited and Janet looking as if she got her wish at long last.

* * *

The scene is lit one last time for the big cliffhanger: 

Sam's face lit up with an evil grin. She hadn't let on before and there was no way she was going to let on now. Not yet. 

She had to keep the act up for a little bit longer. Kill her one true soulmate? She couldn't believe what Janet had done! With a chainsaw no less! 

It was Twue Wuv! She knew it. Janet wanted to ruin her life or something. And the Colonel was in on it and probably Daniel too and Teal'c, wherever the big Jaffa was. 

She'd known Jonas for about two days and that was all she needed to know that she loved him with all her heart. And now he was dead, but Twue Wuv never dies. 

Her best friends of five years had betrayed her and she would have her revenge. 

But not yet. 

Soon.

* * *

Scene #638 

It is night. Something: Bump. 

Scene fades. 

Cut! Print! That's a wrap!


End file.
